When your mum has dementia and is no longer the mum you know, there is obviously a huge amount of grief. A living mourning loss for what was and will never be again. I find one of the feelings I struggle with is guilt for feeling anything other than empathy and patience.
Because it’s hard not to feel frustrated or to zone out of the situation when it’s hurting too much, and the anger that this is happening to my mum, to my dad, to my siblings. It’s hard, despite best intentions not to feel jealous of people who still have mothers or have grandmother’s for their children.
One of things that has changed in many ways this visit is a general acceptance of this being the way things are. If I can hold my mum’s hand and take a walk in the sun then that moment in itself is something to be cherished. If she can chat to my children in the way she is able and they can respond in the way they can then those moments are still moments of love regardless. I’m trying hard to let go of the sadness of what could of been because it’s not helpful and just going with the flow of what is ok in any given moment.
Dad’s 61st Birthday
It was also my dad’s 61st birthday. Yes he’s 61! Pretty sure he’s reverse ageing mind you as he looks like he could be my big brother. Or what does this say about how I am ageing haha!
It was my parents first visit since pre – pandemic although we have been able to visit them in Norfolk a little while back. My dad is such a great grandparent it feels a shame we get to see them so rarely. He also is of course a carer for my mum having dementia.
A couple of days after my parents came to visit my brother came up for the rest of week and we go to hang out. He’s fifteen years younger than me so only three when I left home. I have such strong memories of looking after him as a baby and when I came back on visits. It’s funny to think he doesn’t have the same memories but its nice to have him as a cool uncle / older brother for the kids.
So that was our week! Honestly as much as I loved seeing them all I’m exhausted. Now it’s Autumn I’m really looking forward to the weather the change and hibernating. I have some more pics of life lately to share soon! xx
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